I need to know that the dynamics of friendships haven’t changed. I thought you were supposed to look out for each other, and value each others’ time together. What happened? Has technology taken the place of meaningful relationships and now all hanging out means is having warm bodies near you? What does it all even mean anymore? And I try to do things for my friends, and apparently I don’t know how to play the game. Everyone makes fun of me or gets angry and annoyed that I’m trying to help them. I know I can be kind of mom-ish, but you would think if they were trying to get to know me, they would realize this is my way of saying that they’re one of my best friends?

I feel as though I’ve surrounded myself with awkward situations with people I used to be really close to, and it’s all gone to shit. So I made new friends, but nothing seems to fit the way it should. And I know I should accept people for who they are. But to what extent? Because I feel like some friends don’t hear half the things I say to them. And I take what I say very seriously.

“Hey I’ll move out of the way
for you.
Hey I’ll move out of the way
for her too.
I never thought we’d end up here
in separate cages.
It doesn’t go like this,
you’ve left out some pages.

Hey when was the last time
you laughed and did you mean it when you did
I’m just wondering.
There’s sorrow in your voice,
it’s abounding.
Its astounding how you live
so close to your cure.

I never know what to do with my love.
I never know what to do with my hands.
so I’ll put them behind my back
I’ll put them behind my back
behind my back.

Hey don’t you know what it means
when I say
hey see it in my face.
I’m breaking.
I’ve waited for so long
just to know
that you’d wrap yourself around me
if you could let go.

I never know what to do with my love.
I never know what to do with my hands.
so I’ll put them behind my back
I’ll put them behind my back.
Behind my back
behind my back
put them behind my back
Can I move out of the way
tomorrow
can I move into the way
tonight”

Ingrid Michaelson is describing me tonight.

Do you ever have those days when you finally meet a Japanese person and all of the questions you ask them turn out to be awkwardly non-applicable? (What’s your major? A: Oh, I’m not a student.) >< And THEN when you shake their hand you don’t want to let go because you finally have a hold of someone you’ve been dreaming of meeting since you were in elementary school? XD I successfully completed that most awkward of handshakes, and yesterday was definitely one of those days. But now I can’t wait until Friday. T_T

International Coffee hour ROCKS.

I’m challenging myself. For October: To only use my phone when I NEED something from someone, not merely for conversation.  To stop using facebook except for marking events, or if someone tells me they specifically sent me an important message. I won’t be using any instant messengers (unless someone tells me they want to chat on skype).

I know the exceptions make it sound like I’m not going all out, but getting on just to talk to someone is the same as setting up to hang out, if we’re not in the same state or country, you know?

I am going to stop checking tumblr, all I will be checking is my snail mail and my email, because that’s where important things go.

I feel like all of this online stuff and networking and all that shiznat is getting in the way of… something. I’m not sure what. I feel even more lonely somehow, knowing that everyone is right there at my fingertips, but I’m not talking to them. I feel antsy and clingy to all of my tangible friends. I just need to calm down. I think weaning myself off this insanity called the internet is going to help.

That being said: I love y’all, call me, or send me a text and let me know you want to get online and chat either on skype or whatever.

It was dark.

I was on top of you, and we were discussing homework

or some other

equally professional topic.

I didn’t know exactly where your face was

and somehow our lips met.

I apologized but I sensed your smile and you kissed me

on purpose this time.

You held me

and I felt safe and happy,

moreso than I had in a long time.

The best part?

I don’t feel like it reflects my feelings toward you,

I think I am finally content with my friends.

And it shows that I feel safe and happy with them.

It was a good dream. :)

“I wake up every evening
With a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place.
And you’re still probably working
At a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell

Now where’s your picket fence love
And where’s that shiny car
Did it ever get you far?
You never seem so tense, love
Never seen you fall so hard
Do you know where you are?

Truth be told I miss you
Truth be told I’m lying

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that’s worth a damn and treats you well
Then he’s a fool you’re just as well hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
Tomorrow you’ll be thinking to yourself
Where did it all go wrong?
But the list goes on and on

Truth be told I miss you
Truth be told I’m lying

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that’s worth the damn and treats you well
Then he’s a fool you’re just as well hope it gives you hell

Now you’ll never see
What you’ve done to me
You can take back your memories
They’re no good to me
And here’s all your lies
If you look me in the eyes
With the sad, sad look
That you wear so well

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that’s worth the damn and treats you well
Then he’s a fool you’re just as well hope it gives you hell

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell (hope it gives you hell)
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell (hope it gives you hell)
When you hear this song and you sing along well you’ll never tell
And you’re the fool I’ve just as well I hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell
You can sing along I hope that it puts you through hell”

EFF this situation. XD I really wish I didn’t have to deal with this crap.

oh my god. XD So much love.

positivennui:

Love is so essential in regards to being human I don’t think it should be considered something as trivial as a decision.

I thought you all should know. That I get to watch over a group of 4-5 trumpets starting in two weeks for the whole marching season. >D And poison them with my excitement. This creates two emotions besides that dancing up there:

and

This will truly be an excellent marching year. :D New uniform jackets, trips to Seattle, Hawaii and Tempe, new sousaphones, great section leaders and a chance to be the great leader I know I can be.

Shit. Now I’m terrified. XDDDDD Oh well. I’ll get over it.

“After all that you put me through,
You think I’d despise you,
But in the end I wanna thank you,
‘Cause you’ve made me that much stronger

Well I thought I knew you, thinkin’ that you were true
Guess I, I couldn’t trust, called your bluff, time is up
Cause I’ve had enough
You were there by my side, always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames cause your greed sold me out in shame

After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you’re wrong
Cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do, I wouldn’t know
Just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
Cause it

[Chorus:]
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I’d realize your game
I heard you’re going round playin the victim now
But don’t even begin feeling I’m the one to blame
Cause you dug your own grave
After all of the fights and the lies cause you’re wanting to haunt me
But that wont work anymore, no more,
It’s over
Cause if it wasn’t for all of your torture
I wouldn’t know how to be this way now and never back down
So I wanna say thank you
Cause it

[Chorus]

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretend not to know the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you’ll see
YOU-WONT-STOP-ME

I am a fighter and I
I ain’t gonna stop
There is no turning back
I’ve had enough

[Chorus]

You thought i would forget
But I remembered
Cause i remembered
I remembered
You thought i would forget
I remembered
Cause i remembered
I remembered

[Chorus]”

~Christina Aguilera

Dearest Friend that I am living with this year:

You turd-face. You made me feel like crap by first of all hanging out with him so much right after we’d broken up, and even before that, when things were getting thin between him and I. Not to mention, dating him. I think that’s bullshit. You are not a good friend and as much as you say you do, you never give me 100% of your attention. You don’t understand the concept of turning off your goddamn phone when I need to talk to you. And though I was indebted to you for helping me out the day I was broken into pieces, I think you’ve more than evened that out with your selfishness.  Love you and can’t wait to move in! =D It’s gonna be so much fun! I got you the perfect birthday present and I can’t wait for you to see it! You bring him over and I’ll kill you both with my bare hands… especially if you’re asleep.  :) see you on the 12th!

LOVE,

Cayley

Hello my friend

here we are again

face to face.

whenever I’m saturated with fears and sugar

you help me to breathe.

I love how you accumulate

beads of water

after I’ve cut you in half.

Am I sadistic for this?

You’re my friend and yet…

the shining knife in my hand,

and you just laying there

is so satisfying.

I lift you to my mouth

and bite down.

Oh, sweet greenery!

how you speak to my heart.

My mind is swimming in

raw, untainted sensation.

as I roll and crunch you,

my heart feels cleaner

and suddenly the sky

is blue again.